Rocks Feel No Pain, Islands Never Cry
by Siyris
Summary: This is a songfic of I am a Rock by Paul Simon. 1, 3, and 5 remember. Please R+R.


**Disclaimers: I own nothing** Setting: One of Quatre's mansions on earth, a year after Endless Waltz **Warnings:  Yaoi.  Heero, Trowa, and Wu-fei suffering** Song lyrics 

_Thoughts_

**A winters day** **In a deep and dark December**

**_I am alone_**

**_Gazing through my window_**

**_To the streets below_**

**_On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow_**__

            Heero Yuy was sitting in his windowsill on December 24, AC197, just thinking.

            "Heero Yuy, a lost little boy.  Heero Yuy, professional assassin.  Heero Yuy, a preventor.  Heero Yuy…"

            "A great guy."  Zechs had come in without Heero noticing.  They were all staying at one of Quatre's mansions for the holidays.  After working together as preventor, Zechs and Heero had become very good friends.  "You seem a little down about something.  Do you want to talk?" Zechs asked.

            "No"

            "Good," he said, and Heero gave him a questioning glance.  "Cause I don't want to talk about anything right now."

            "Hmmmn… It's just that I'm remembering my life, and," he paused, "Well just thinking mostly."

            Zechs got up and started to walk out.  He stopped in the doorway and said that he was always there to talk to.

            "I know." A small smile crept out from behind his mask, "I'll see you later than?"

            "Sure."

·                                  ·                                  ·

            Wu-fei was sitting on the fence surrounding an empty snow-covered field staring at a big old oak tree off the side of the road.

            "Wow this looks a lot like the field where…Where Marian died."

            Wu-fei wasn't worried about someone hearing him; he knew that he was alone.  He knew that he was the only one that came down to the field, and even if anyone else was down there they couldn't find the way to where he sat; that was something only he knew.

·                                  ·                                  ·

            "See ya later Quatre!"

            _Finally,_ Trowa thought, _I'm alone.  Now I can think about…about my past._

            He climbed up into his favorite tree, up, up, up until he was up at the top, until he was around 150 feet off the ground.  This spot was one where he could think.  If he had been at Catherine's circus he would be talking to, or just sitting with, the lion.  Trowa's mind was wandering through his life.  Now that he had remembered his past, that he was really Trinton Bloom and his childhood.  His horrible, horrible childhood.  The fear, the pain, the…but that was long gone now and he was happy, he had friends, he loved and was loved in return.  He let his mind wander more, but it kept coming back to that dark, dark, past.

·                                  ·                                  ·

I am a rock 

**_I am an island_**

****

            Heero, Wu-fei, and Trowa were all deep in thought, all thinking about things that only they knew about, making themselves islands.

·                                  ·                                  ·

I've built walls 

**_A fortress deep and mighty_**

**_That none may penetrate_**

**_I have no need for friendship_**

**_Friendship causes pain_**

**_It's laughter and it's loving I disdain_**

**_I m a rock_**

**_I am an island_**

            _What is this emotion I'm feeling?  _The perfect solider asked himself, _is this how Relena felt when she was following me?  Was she this confused?  She seemed so sure of herself._

***FLASHBACK***

            "Heero" _Ugh that princess is after me again.  _"Heero Yuy, you get back here right NOW!"

            "What is it now, Relena?" _though what I mean to say is 'just go kill yourself, Relena, and save me the trouble'_

            "Heero, I…I just wan…I just wanted to tell you something," she said in a small voice.  _What now?  Is she going to tell me all her pacifist ideals again?  Is she going to tell me teenagers shouldn't fight in mobile suits again?  Is she going to…_"Heero, I…" _What's taking her so long; I have places to go!_  "Heero, I love you!"

***END FLASHBACK***

            _She said she loved me,_ he thought, _is that really how I feel about Zechs?_

            He thought along those lines a little more and then, somehow, his thoughts went to his childhood.  He tried to remember what his life was like before Odin and Dr. J had taken him in and started his training; he couldn't.  All he could remember was being told again and again that he showed too much emotion, that he was too weak, that he was too small, that he let too much upset him, that he just didn't make the cut, that he should be given back to his parents, and shortly after, that he had no parents, or at least, none that wanted him back.  With all this said about him by the only ones he had ever know as his family, Heero had done his best to toughen up; as it turned out, his best was better than most.

            "Maybe I'm just…just too much of a perfect soldier.  Maybe I really don't have feelings," he said to himself.

            "Oh, I don't think that's true Heero, and I should know; I'm you."

            _Ugh_, Heero thought, _who needs a sub-conscious mind anyway?_

            "I guess I do have feeling, but," he paused, "Why do I feel like this around Zechs?!?"

            _My family, _he thought, _I suppose I do remember one of them, my sister, Maya, not only do I remember her; I remember what happened to her._

***FLASHBACK***

            "Get up!  Get up you lazy brat!" _Morning?!  Morning already?  Go away Odin; I don't want to wake up yet!_

            BANG BANG BANG BANG  "Get up, Vermin"

            "Ok, ok I'll be out in a sec," Man_, you would think that I might get just one day off._

            "Finally, you slug.  Come on we have work to do!"  _Odin Lowe, someone you don't want to mess with, if possible someone you don't want to even know, but I just got it bad cause I gotta live with him, and he HATES me!_

            "Um." _Damn!  I almost forgot; No asking questions!  Man, that was close._

            Today we are continuing the tests that we've been doing for the past week," Odin_ always talks to me like I'm some little kid.  _He paused "Do you understand Heero?"  _Was that impatience I heard in his voice?_  He paused again "Heero?" _He's getting mad now, better answer._

            "Yes sir, I understand."  _I might as well give him what he wants._

            "Good."

·                                  ·                                  ·

            "No, I won't do that again!"

            "Why?  Why, you ungrateful weakling?"

            _No, no that hurt me; you wouldn't make me do that if you knew what it felt like.  _"Because…because… it…"

            "Because what you idiot!?!"

            "Because it hurts."  It was quiet, I know, but I also know that both Odin and Dr. J heard.

            "Hurt you!  Never mind," _Go ahead, Odin, turn you back on me! _"Dr. J, we need a new pilot, that thing is too weak."

            "Just a second Odin, I think our young friend will change his mind when he sees our guest."  _Our guest?  What does he mean by that? I wonder…_

Dr. J went out of the room and came back in with…  "Heero, I believe that you two have met," What_ does he…_

            "Maya!"  _It's quiet, too quiet.  _"Maya, what are y9ou doing here?  Why…" _Why is she in handcuffs?  WHAT'S GOING ON???_

            "Get in the suit Heero," He's_ talking too calmly, I don't like it._

            "No"

            "I really don't want anyone to get hurt; get in the Gundam," _Dr. J is mad._

            "No"

            "Fine," I heard a squeal.  _What was that?_ The squeal turned into a scream.  _No!  Maya!_

            "Stop it!  Stop hurting her!" I scream.

            "Get in the suit," _What should I do?  I don't want to be a pilot but I can't let Maya get hurt.  _"Do it, NOW!"

            "No"

            "I don't want to hurt her."

            "Please…please don't hurt her."

            "Get in the suit"

            "No" NO_, stop hurting her, make her stop screaming.  _She stopped, silence.  "I'll do it, just don't hurt her anymore."  _I don't like this; something's not right, why isn't there any more screaming???_

            "That would work, but nothing's gonna hurt her any more."

            "What do you mean, Odin?"  _I know what he means, though, don't I?  DAMN!  I'll kill you Dr. J!  Where's my gun when I need it!  What? Tears?  I won't cry! Not in front of them!!_

"She's dead Heero, now get in the suit."  _Dr. J, you have no heart!_

***END FLASHBACK***

            _Maybe I am a lump, _Heero thought, _is Duo right that I need to loosen up?_

"He wouldn't say that if he knew," Heero yelled, "He wouldn't be so happy if Dr. G had killed _his_ sister in front of his eyes!"  Heero's ranting stopped, "but that braided baka doesn't have any family left, Dr. G didn't have a chance to kill any of his family, so of course he couldn't kill Duo's nonexistent sister."

            Heero let his thoughts wander again, but this time he didn't think about his past; he thought about his future.

·                                  ·                                  ·

Don't talk of love 

**_Well, I've heard the word before_**

**_It's sleeping in my memory_**

**_I won't disturb the slumber_**

**_Of feelings that have died_**

**_If I'd never loved_**

**_I never would have cried_**

**_I am a rock_**

**_I am an island_**

****

            It really is amazing how much that oak looks like the one that you died near, Marian, my Nataku."

            Wu-fei walked over to the old oak and brushed away the snow lying over the big root, exposing the part where his and Marian's initials would be, but they weren't there.  _They aren't here, _Wu-fei thought, _Of course they're not!  This isn't the same tree, that tree was destroyed long ago._  Now he was mad at himself for being so sentimental.       

            "Marian, Nataku, my love."

***FLASHBACK***

            "Wu-fei, I can't believe it's finally happening, we're finally getting married."  _Wow, she really is beautiful.  I'm glad that she's happy, I find that when I see her sad it make me sad---_

"I know, though our parents were the ones to put us together, we make a very good couple," I said.

            "Yeah," she said.  We sit in silence, but it isn't a stressful or strained silence; it is a calm, peaceful one.  Then, "Wu-fei, I love you."  _Why did she say it so quietly?  What's going through her head?  Well whatever it is, it's okay._

            "I love you too."  There was once again silence, peaceful, calm, lovely.

            "Wu-fei?"  _Again she has broken the silence, but I find that I do not mind as much as I do when other do that, in fact, I don't mind at all._

            "Yes?"

            "Will yOu please call me Nataku?  I would like you to."

            "Of course, but do you mind if I ask why?"

            "Sure.  It was a special name to me…and it proves to me that you think I'm strong!" she grins playfully and starts laughing.

            I laugh, and as I laugh I think; I think how good it feels.

**END FLASHBACK**

            Wu-fei blinked back tears; he didn't want to cry.  Not here.  _If my Nataku saw me like this, she would laugh, _he thought, _She'd say 'So Big Strong Man is gonna cry huh?  Alright then, let it out.'_

***FLASHBACK***

            "If you won't fight, Chang Wu-fei, I will!"  Marian had been pacing their room and was now standing in front of me, yelling at me.  We had been wed two months ago and she was mad at me because I wouldn't fight.  "Take that suit of yours and go protect your home!  You say it's not a woman's place to fight yet you, as a man, do not fight in my place!  Do you expect me to just sit and let you do that!?!  Sit and let our home be destroyed!?!"

            "No, I don't Marian, but I won't fight because I'm a scholar—"

            "No you're not!  You're a soldier Wu-fei, you're trained to fight!" she calmed a little, "I'm going out there, Fei, please don't make me have to fight you to do it."  She smiled and then walked out.

            "Well, I guess that doesn't leave me much choice, I'm coming too," I said quietly to her receding back.  I got up and went to the hanger in the basement.  As I readied my suit I mumbled to myself about how stupid and senseless women could be.  As soon as I started up into the air my wife vid-screened me.

            "I knew you would come," she smiled.  I still loved that smile.

            "Looks like you know me better than I thought," I smiled back.

            "I guess so."

            About half way through the battle Marian's suit went down, it had been a hit to the cockpit.  The suit fell forward and hit a rock that broke into the same place the suit had been hit.  I abandoned my suit and went to Marian's; my heart was racing.  I found my way into the ruined cockpit and pulled Marian out.  I brought her over to a big old oak, the one we had carved our initials into once, and rested her on one of the roots.

            "Marian, my love. What happened?" I'm sure my worry was clear on my face.

            "I didn't see the shot coming, it messed up my controls, disabling them, I should have avoided it," she stopped, pain making her face twist up and her body stiffen.  "Maybe you were right Fei," she tensed in pain, "maybe women and girls are too weak to fight."

            "No, no my love, you fought wonderfully I'm proud of you," I smiled down into her pale, bloody face.

            "I'm sorry, so sorry, I didn't think that anything would happen, I…" she couldn't finish.  A fresh wave of pain kept her from starting again.

            "No, I'm proud of you, you were perfect, you did me proud, don't apologize, you have no need to; you were wonderful."

            "If I were perfect I wouldn't be dying, I'm so sorry, Fei," and with her dying breath, "I love you."  I looked at her, not wanting to believe what I knew in my heart.  Then the tears came; they came and came and came.

            "No, Marian you were wonderful, you can't die, not now, you can't!!!  Marian, Nataku, My Love!"

***END FLASHACK***

            _I still don't know how long I at there crying over her cold motionless body, _he thought, _I was weak!  Love, who needs it, all it does is cause sorrow, Cause pain._

            "Who needs love!?!" Wu-fei demanded of the sky and the field and the tree.  "Not me for one," he said quietly, and he started to cry.

            In the shadows behind him Sally came out to see if there was anything she could do.

·                                  ·                                  ·

I have my books 

**_And my poetry to protect me_**

**_I am shielded in my armor_**

**_Hiding in my room_**

**_Safe within my womb_**

**_I touch no-one and no-one touches me_**

**_I am a rock_**

**_I am an island_**

****

            Trowa sighed.  _I guess that I'm supposed to think about my past, _he thought, _because my mind keeps on wandering back to my childhood._

            "Or lack of one if truth be told," he said quietly to no-one in particular.

            He sat for a little while longer, hoping that his mind would leave the topic of his past; it wouldn't.  A slight breeze stirred the branches he sat in.

            "I guess I can't avoid the topic, It's amazing, Catherine really is my sister," he said to the wind, "after all that she and I wished it could be true, it is."  He sighed.  _What a way to remember._

***FLASHBACK***

            "Trowa…Trowa, hurry up, we're on next," Catherine called.  I rushed a little to get out in time.

            "Sorry," I said, "I was having some trouble with my mask."

            "Oh, that's okay, I don't mind."  She smiled at me, that fond sisterly smile of her.  We finished our act, the knives centimeters from my head not worrying me in the least, and with our bows the show ended.  Catherine had hurried off o her dressing room.  After I finished changing, getting back into my jeans and turtleneck, I went to see if she was ready for dinner.

            "Catherine, are you---" I inturpted myself, seeing that she was getting an old trunk out.  "What are you doing?"

            "Oh, Trowa, I'm just cleaning out some old tings," she paused, "Do you want to help?" another one of those smiles of hers.

            I wasn't all that hungry so I said, "Sure."  I sat down and we started going through the box.  We made piles to keep, piles to throw away, and piles of things we didn't know what to do with.  We must have been working for about an hour when I looked up for a few seconds, wondering what time it was.  I looked back and saw that Catherine had stopped; she turned and held something out to me.  I took it.

            "That was my brother's first costume, it really is surprising how much you look like he did Trowa," she kept on talking but I wan't listening anymore.

            Something had happened when the fabric had touched my hand, a sudden stream of memories hit me.  I knew the fabric, I knew what the costume looked like without even unfolding it.  Before I thought about it I said, "I never liked this one, it was hot and itchy; I couldn't stand it."

            Catherine stared at me.  Then she spoke.  "Trinton, Trinton is it really you?  But, you're Trowa!  No, no you're no-name…" her confusion had been clear on her face.

            "I remember, I remember everything, I don't believe this, everything is so clear!"

***END FLASHBACK***

            "It felt so strange," Trowa said, "to be someone for once, but I just couldn't get used to that name, so I kept Trowa."  As he spoke, his tratorus mind thought, _It felt good to know I was not the kid with no name the mercenaries used as a toy._  Yet another part of him said, _No, that wasn't me, that was no-name, I am Trowa Barton, a Gundam pilot gone preventer.  _The first part of his mind was right of course.

***FLASHBACK***

            "Hey, No-Name, get over here!" I slowly creep out of my tent, "NOW!"  _Whoa, I think I got him mad.  Sean isn't one to get mad, of all the mercenaries for me to get mad, it just had to be Sean. _

            "Yes sir.  What do you need sir?"  _I hate your guts sir, go fuck yourself sir, let me rip your head off sir.  _

            He laughs a little, laughs in his cruel way, "You know what you can do for me, boy.  Get in the tent!"  _Great, _I sigh, _Here we go again.  _"Lie down," _I can't do anything but obey; if I don't he'll just force me, not to mention he'll make it hurt more._

            Sean walks over holding the chain out, but he has something more, I can't quite see it.

            "you know, squrit, I was just gonna make it average, but you took too long, and I didn't like the ay you were talking."  His face curls into a creul smirk.  "Put your arms out," I'm nervious, but I do as he says.  Suddenly I feel cold steal un along my arms.  As soon as my arms are through the restrants, they lock shut.  _This is an interesting twist, I wonder whatwill happen next.  _I feel as tug, and m arms are yanked above my head, next I feel like I'm being stretched out; I ear the click that means my feet are sacured.  I test the tightness a little and, confirming my thoughts, I find I can't move at all.  Sean steps into my sight; he sits down.  No he's liying beside me, I know what's coming.

            "Now, my dear boy, the _real_ fun begins!"

***END FLASHBACK***

            In Trowa's mind the face of Sean floated back to him after years of being forced to the back of his thoughts.

            "Hmmn…Maybe now I can forget."

            As Trowa thought about other instances he was used; by the mercenaries, by their friends, by fellow soldiers, tears sparkeled at the corners of his eyes.  Tears from remembered pain.

            "I won't let anyone touch me like that _ever_ again!"  Trowa all but shouted.

·                                  ·                                  ·

And the rock feels no pain 

**_And an island never cries_**

****

            Heero was thinking, but now about his future--- and Zechs.  Heero had desided that he, indeed, did love Zechs and that he would tell him.  He had also desided that it would be best to try to make friends, he was tired of blocking off any relationship and tired of not letting anyone in.

            As he sat there, gazing out the window on the snow, he let himself cry.

            "It's ok, Heero," Zechs came up and wrapped the teen in his arms.  "Let it out, it's time to move on."

            Heero looked up into his face, "Zechs, I…I love you.  Well, I mean, I think I do, I don't know…I mean I wan to know you—" Zechs gently kissed him.

            "You're rammbaling, Love."  He smiled.

·                                  ·                                  ·

            "Wu-fei?  Are you ok?"  Sally's voice penetrated Wu-fei's thoughts.

            "Yeah, yeah I'm fine," he said quicky, wipeing the tears away.

            "No you don't Chang, you're going to let these tears come out," Sally said as she took the young dragon in her arms, "you know they need to come."

            Despite himself Qu-fei smiled.  _She sounds like Marian, _he thought, _maybe…maybe she might take me, I mean I like her and well, she might…_"Sally…I…uh would you… what I mean is," and before he could stop it, "I love you."

            "I know," was her calm answer, "and yes, I share that love.  Now let it out."  She hadn't even needed to say that, for he was already soaking her shirt.

·                                  ·                                  ·

            "Trowa, Trowa come down."

            Trowa shook his head.  _Quatre worries too much, _he thought.  But the idea that Quatre was worried about _him_ of all people made  him happy.

            "Trowa please come down, it's getting cold!"

            "Coming," a second later Trowa was standing beside the blonde.  "Quatre, I have strong feelings for you, I…I want you to know more aobut me…about my past."

            "Trowa," his voice was pure consern and passion, "you're crying!"

            "It's ok, I just need to talk," Trowa smiled down into the smaller boy's face.

            "Ok Trowa, I'm always here for you."  Quatre's clear blue ees reflected Trowa's face.

            As he told his tale, Trowa started crying.  Halfway through he had to stop, and Quatre held his love.

THE END (finally!!! sorry)


End file.
